The Element of Change.

As I sit over looking the sea in my 2BHK apartment in worli, I think to myself how inequitable the element of change is. Change has not affected these sea waves,but the rocks that lie underneath have changed. A mere wave of water that comes so softly and touches these rock ,have disfigured them over the years. This is what has happened to me.

When I first saw asha I must have been 17, but the moment my eyes fell on her I knew she was the one. And 10 years later, asha delivered Utsav, our first born. I was a sturdy rock then, in my days. The first wave that bought a minuscule change in my life was the death of my second born daughter abhilasha. I remember asha crying for weeks. But I, was stone-faced. Not that I was not sad. I mourned, for a day or two. I recall baby utsav asking me “pa, arnt u sad munni died?” how do I explain now. To whom do I explain now, how much it hurt me, it was difficult for me to show, and now whom do I show?

Asha, utsav and me continued with out lives. My day began at 7 with the newspaper in my hands and got over at 11 with the remote in my hands. I never once sat with utsav or asha. Now when I have no one around I wish I spent every second with them. I wish only time reversed and I was sitting on the dining table without my files and only my family.
But today,all that is left is me and my loneliness. Why? I ask myself, for over my life time I ran after material things to make life easy for my asha and my utsav. And today they are not with me.
The importance of an individual in life often only manifests itself in death. When asha went away the stone that I was shattered. This wave took away from me whatever I had.

My thoughts were interrupted by the door bell. Must be the post man. My monthly remit from utsav has arrived.
Utsav left the country a month after asha passed away. All he said was I have no one here any way….
How ironic he was the only one I had.

Being alone is one thing and being lonely is another. But with me I am not only alone but lonely. And how it kills, a painful slow inevitable end, and all I can do is wait for it.